Born under a bad sign

I just can't win. The deck is stacked. I started to try to date but I just don't thiink anybody in my situation should be worried about that. I can't talk about that.

I'm a gemini if you were wondering. When I'm good I'm really good. When I'm bad I'm really bad. I don't believe in astrology... but it does seam to fit in my case.

I was listening to the Blues. Albert King. I think that about says it all.

Ouch!

I pulled a muscle in my back so I haven't felt like posting in a while. I try to refrain from foul language here using my online persona but I got to to say it.

"It hurt like sh*t!"

I do realize that it wouldn't be hard to figue out who I am. I just like using my chess handle.In other news a new video by this guy in Texas was talking about the benefits of medical marijuana. I have to say he made valid points. I definitely needed something. Spasms and pulled muscles don't mix. I think the positives outweigh the negatives sometimes.

I want what ever time I have left on this planet to be as comfortable as possible. Marijuana would be better for my liver than most of the other stuff I'm on.

During the time I was in pain I made a call to my daughters mother. I made a offer to hire her as my nurse. I said something crazy that I will have to apologize for. I said something about being comfortable around her and maybe I might want to squeeze part of her female anatomy or something.

At least I asked if she was single. I was in pain.

Just thinking

I was just thinking about my exes... again. I have way too much free time.

I thoaght about my first girl friend. We talked on the phone a lot and kissed 5 or six times a day. Then there was the older woman. She was 21 and I was 15. She was beautiful.

Right after her was the girl I call my fist love. after that I was off to the races. At least I'm honest about it.

I really should be using this space to write about my MS. It all is tied together for me. Sometimes it is hard for me to seperate the diffrent aspects of my life. I'm 35 and I haven't had a girl friend in yeaars.

I have been tired a lot latly. I just started PT. I am trying to concentrate on the stretches.

I am weak

How weak am I?

I'm Shirley Temple weak.

I had Physical Therapy today and I can't even do the stretches. I hope I get better with time. The therapist will be back on friday. I just wanted to post something. My internet has been out.

I am going to post my music but circumstances bryond my control are delaying my plans. I hope I'll be ready in a month.

Dreams

I have all of my dreams when I am awake. I guess I am a dreamer. It's a good thing I do. I don't really sleep all that well.

My daughter Jasmine showed me some of the songs she wrote so I showed her an old cassette tape of myself. I think she is inspired now. I am too.

I am going to get my home studio together again. I can't really play like I used too so I will have to change my process a little. I think I will try ambient computer music with riffs and vocals of a few friends sprinkled in. I will post a song here I just need time.

A message to my ex

I have sent an apology to my ex-girlfriend today. She was my first love and when it ended I acted like a complete fool. It was the beginning of a pattern I was to repeat latter in life.

I did try to apologize a long time ago while we were still in school, but I couldn't be around her or speak to her or I would do something to make my apology meaningless. The best I could do was stay away. Hopefully time has made this apology sincere

Sometimes I think I acted the way I did because of depression I was experiencing due to the onset of my MS. I know depression can be a part of MS. Either way I am still responsible. Mass murderers don't get an out and neither do I.

I probably shouldn't compare myself to killers. I do joke and call myself crazilynsane but "I just a'int that crazy."

I found my exes name when I signed up for a facebook account. I'm going to try out their social network. I might meet other MS'ers.

I still need to add pictures.

In shock

I called it wrong. The boxing match between Ricky Hatton and Manny Paquieo( I can't spell... cut me some slack ) didn't make it past the 2nd round. You could see it coming. Ricky wants to dish out all of the punishment. Unfortunatly for him there are two people in a boxing match. You have to duck sometimes.

Game seven of the NBA finals is on so I have to go. I want the Lakers to win. If they loose I am contplating suicide (not really). I didn't think it would be this hard.

I have to go. I will write more latter. I might even write about my MS. I will go into greater detail. I am trying to be quik now.

Happy day!

My daughter Jasmine is a varsity cheerleader for the Nelson County Govenors. She found out today. She is acting nonchalant about it but I can tell she is really happy.

I posted video but it didn't come out too good. It doesn't matter. It lets the kids use thier imaginations. If you have to dream then dream big. That is my motto. Now all we need to do now is work on following through.

I know I didn't sound that great. You could hear me getting anoyed. They named a butterfly stupid! They didn't get it from me. The most I can say is they got my grumpy pessamistic atitude. At least they know I love them.

I have been forgeting words a lot. I can think of every word but the word I want.

I am about to go but before I do I just have to say I thoaght the song my daughter Jasmine wrote and sang in the video was good. I think it is about me.

Stupid Computer

I have been trying to edit the Video that the kids and I took. It hasn't been going well. Windows Movie Maker is not compatible with the format of the Movies I shot. I think it was but I stored them in the quick time format. I had to. I should be able to post something but it will not be edited.

What do I look like, the evil hacker computer genius? I had a DR's appointment yesterday. My DR wants an mri. The metal I have in my head might cause problems. My DR needs to talk with my surgon.



I boaght my daughter Jasmine a laptop. Now Lilly wants one. Maybe in a couple years.

New Video

I have new video of The kids and I raising and releasing butterflies. I am going to post it but I still need to edit the video. It will have to wait. Lilly is in the computer room playing her music (if you can call it that). I'll have video soon.

I have a Dr's appointment Monday. I'll be seeing my new neurologist. I have to be sure to bring up the pain I have in my foot.

I have been hanging out with an old friend. All my old friends are hoodlums and up to no good. What does that say about me?

Green Gardens

I am trying to start a gardening company. I need to see a if a friend of mine will put in a garden for me. I think I could design the garden and he could put it in. I could hire more people and grow into a gardening business.

I want a nice garden with bird houses and fish ponds. This may be a way for me to get it.

Who Knows? Maybe I can make some money.


Jasmine wants a laptop and I think Lilly said somthing about new shoes. Kids need things. I am sad because I haven't been able to give it to them.

I wish I had a joint

I am trying not to think about stuff. These kids are making me crazy, and I am thinking about my exs. I need to get out of the house.

Lilly has been acting up. She does what she wants to do. She trys to do the opisite of what I tell her. I disaproved of what she was wearing so she said " Don't worry about me, I'm in charge of me. "

" Since when? "

I eventually accepted what she ended up wearing to school. A pair of jeans and a skirt. It didn't even match. I am preparing myself for battle as we speak. That little girl is going to learn to put container tops back on and to put stuff back in the refridgerater.

She gets her stuborn streak from here mother. " You can't tell her nothin. "

The poem " huh hmm" (Had to clear my throat) The poem I wrote was in refrence to her. It was messed up from the begining. That is why I left.

I doubt she sees it that way. I did get jealous and loose my mind for a secound there,but I am comforted by the thought that I left her and she was the one acting a fool at first.

My symptoms are about the same although i do notice my hands getting tired. After 10 min I am one handed. I was trying to hide the poem behind new posts. Hope that's enough.

Before I go I just wanted to say the joint coment was how I feel not what I will do. I have hung up my scales and my roach clips. I just feel like that.

What I think about sometimes

On The Wall


I wanted it to be over
Then I saw it written on the wall.
Pain is when you lose something
Something you did not want at all
Haunted by colored paper
Memories of what should be
A laughing smiling image
Never forgets to torment me
I hear it talking on the phone
Whispered echoes in every call
I see it in a children’s eye
I see it on the wall
When it rains it hurts
And when there is not a cloud in the sky
I really want to paint my wall
But I really don’t want to lie

James Childs

I wrote that the other day. I was thinking... I wonder if I could sell that ;-P. Just kidding, but I might as well do something with my misery.

I am a twitterer

I am now a twtterer and im not refering to the annoying spasms I occasionly get in my legs. I'm talking about twitter the new social networking site. Members just leave short messages about what they are doing.

I'll make a link in my links section. Check it out. I am crazilynsane.

computer problems ... again!

I can't get my pictures from my camera into my computer. Pictures might help me make my blog more interesting to look at. I am going crazy!

So what else is new?

Not much. That's why I have chosen the handle of crazilynsane. I'm always stressed by something or other. It's part of the Joy of being me.

" If it aint one thing its another. "

I think stress might have been why I developed MS. I bring it on myself and I know it. I just wanted to put up a few pictures of what I've been doing. I have pictures of Jasmines last basketball game as a cheerleader, Lilly's soccer game, and a few pictures at the kite fair. I also have pictures of caterpillars we raised and released as butterflies.

I also wanted to mention that on April 12, Easter Sunday 2009, I got a hug from my daughter Jasmine. She is 14 and growing up so I don't get them like I used to. I have to remember them when I get them.

a new plan

I was going to erase my blog and start over but I thoaght I could print out a copy of what I have already typed and then start over. I still can but I thought about it and that seems to me like a waste of paper.

I could save my work on a hard drive or somthing. I could also keep what I have and just make changes. That last idea seems like the easiest thing to do so that looks like what I'll be doing.

I had my Tysabri infusion today. Everything is going ok with that. It has slowed the progression of my MS. I still have symptoms that bother me.

I am loosing the feeling in my left foot. It is not completely gone but I almost wish it were. I get a burning freezing feeling in my toes. It doesn't bother me usually but it is relentless.

" It just don't quit. "

I first noticed the changes in the sensation of my left leg at the doctors office. She was proding me with cold metal. When she held the metal thing a magig on my leg it kind of freaked me out.

I didn't feel a thing.

I have to complain about that to my doctor. I need some releif.

I can't give it up

I have been toying with the idea of stopping my blog. I never have the energy or the motivation to work on it. I have a lot I want to say but I never get it all put down on my blog.

My blog has become a random mix of my complaints, my opinions, and descriptions of things that happen in my life at any particular time.

What's wrong with that you may ask.

Nothing. Except I do feel a need to be more productive and do something. I want to do more than just record my descent into irrelevance. It would be nice to be thought of by family and friends as more than just completely useless.

I haven't accomplished much in my life. A lot of it was my fault. A lot wasn't.

I don't think I'll ever completely stop with my blog. I am going to print out what I have already written and start over. I will have to think of ways I can make this space more relevant.

I don't like the idea of giving up.

Why is everything always so hard?

I'm listening to ambient music again... (I like that Moby guy lol)

I think I have to try to get into music again. I have ideas. I will have to get back into computer sequenced music. I think I can think of decent riffs I can stitch together with samples to make something interesting. I want to sample my self. I grew up in the Washington D.C. area so I think music I made would have a sequenced GOGO type feel.

I need to do something.

I was watching video of wheelkamaze ( I forgot his name! ) That guy was rollin'. He put that wheelchair in the wind. I use a wheelchair too and take my word for it he was going fast.

I had my Tysabri Infusion yesterday. I feel good. I might actually get something accomplished this week.

I need to get AdSense figured out. I want to look at making a better game and i need to look at the crazy counter. It is depressing. This is only my home page with my links to the Internet but I like to think that I provide some kind of utility.

No more adsence

I figured out how to get rid of my adsence ads yesterday. I was starting to get annoyed. I wasnt geting paid. I asked for help but all I got was a no reply message that I wasn't geting enouph hits to get paid.

Thats not what my adsence acount says.

I either don't know how to read or they have made a mistake and owe me a 100$. The ads I had were interfering with my posts. It doesn't matter becouse that was never really why I started this blog. I might try again latter.

I am listening to ambient music so forgive me if I get philsophical. ;-D

I'm thinking about getting a external hard dive for my computer. I might actualy be able to do a lot of the stuff I want to.

I saw a seagate 1.5 TB hard drive for 129$ Let me repeat that 1.5 TB for 129$ I only have 40 GB now.

I have been feeling better. I must have been having an exasperation of symptoms. I'll be glad when or if they find a cure.

Non-embryionic stem cells

I saw an article about this the other day. If it's true I'll have to ask my DR. This has the potential to help me out. I hope now the ethical argument over wether or not to use embryonic cells is pointless. I will leave a link.

http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m0876/is_91/ai_n15338777

I haven't been doing much, just chating online.