Why am I always angry?

I can't have anything! My team lost the NBA championship yesterday. It's not my team really, but I did pick them to win. That is almost just like it. I like to at least appear to know what I'm talking about. All I wanted to do was watch a good game and drink a few beers with my brother, but fair is fair. I do not cosider the game I watched last night a fair game. I guess It is just another grievance I have with life in general.

I swear I can't have anything (Did I al ready say that?). The whole MS thing is bad enough(Prepare yourself...im going to start complaining). I have double vision and my jump around like...well im not sure how to explain it. My balance and coordination are nonexistant. My right hand and left foot are worse then my left hand and right foot. Wouldn't you know it Im rigght handed. Iam typing this post with my left hand. I can't really use voice recognition software because of my speach problems. "AURGHHHH!".

Im finished with my tyraid so I guess my many fathful readers can relax now. That wasn't that bad was it?

I need to come up with a plan. I need an idea so dareing and brilliant that I could still acomplish all of the goals I set for myself before I was diagnosed with MS. My daughter will be financially takeken care of, I will make great and thought provoking music, and I might actually get a date, or dare i say it ... a girlfriend.

At least I can still dream...

OMG!

It was my birthay sunday May 28, so my freinsds tricked me. They had been planingfor a long time. They had me thinking we were going to a freinds house on saterday night. we actually went to a strip bar. They got my a**. It was crazy... I don't get out much so amplify the crazy statement by at least three. That's all I'm going to say. It was nice to know I'm still one of the fellas.

I am 32 now (no old jokes please). The only thing that didnt happen that I would have liked was my daughter didn't call me on my birthay. Iwill have to talk to her. I was thinking about getting her an ipod but now I don't think so. She doesn"t deserve one anyway. (under my breath, " Little rug rat ".)

I just thaught I would make a post about my crazzy b day... and then I'm out.

@#$! %&#$ #$^%!

Those are all curse words... You can substitute the ones you like. I'm angry about my video ipod. I boaght it online last week but I didn't recieve it until yesterday. I can't get my wma files into it. I have a thousand songs that i can't play on my ipod. if i cant get them into my ipod its going back. I called custumer service but they couldn't help. the songs are all write protected. I spent 40 min on the phone so she could tell me that. It was doublely aggrivating becouse of my MS related speach problems. She told me that I should talk to microsoft tech support. They want me to pay. I didnt buy anything from them. Damn!...They can all kiss my ass.

Sorry I lost it. I think I'll see if I can get help at the tech tv message boards. There will hopefully be someone who will help there. I spent 400 dollars on the video ipod and a fm transmitter fot the car so I definatly need help . I don't care where it comes from. My life is ...crazilynsane.

I need to get organized!

It is true. My lack organizational skiills is legendary. I am procrastination man. Never do today what you can do tomarrow. I have been thinking about making changes around here for the longest time. I am going to be expanding this blog to into a small web ring of blogs covering my entire life (I am a shameless exhibitionist). This will include my family history, a video blog, and maybe a chess blog.

Chess is one way I am trying to keep my mind sharp. I don't duck anybody (well almost nobody). First come first served. I Yahoo, so you can catch me at yahoo games. I am usually in one of the new chess rooms. If you want to play me you can either rely on luck to find me http://games.yahoo.com/games/front or if you realy want to play post a comment with contact infomation and make an appointment with destiny. Rember, I am crazilynsane. Please note : that last comment was just my ego talking. If only my work ethic was as strong as my ego...

Yesterday I baught a video ipod, with a fm transmiter. I couldn't resist. I origonaly saw them on ebay, but then after I saw the fm transmiter and could not find what I wanted I went to the online ipod store. I ended up spending more money than I should have. That is usully how I am with the toys. I have self control ishues.

On tuesday I went to Target (Tar j). It was a Super Target with one evil candy aisle. The temptation was more than I could take. I blame dear old Dad for that one. He had a sweet tooth too.life is crazy.

Video!

I am not hosting video yet but here are a few links:

1. http://drunkandscruffy.blogspot.com/2006/04/urban-ninja-other-video-treats.html
2. http://on202.com/view.aspx?id=167
3. http://on202.com/view.aspx?id=116
4. http://on202.com/view.aspx?id=188
5. http://on202.com/view.aspx?id=52
6. http://on202.com/view.aspx?id=27
7. http://on202.com/view.aspx?id=166#

These are links to just a few of the videos I like there are a lot more at http://on202.com/welcome.aspx

If you are wondering what does this have to do with MS, MS'ers like to have fun too.

Life can be depressing

Life really is depressing sometimes, but it is the only thing worth living for. I guess somethings just were not ment to be. I was a heck of a guy (Insert Superfly theme music here). Now I am just trying to find somthing to do with myself. Making sure my daughter becomes the person she was ment to be.

My daughter is smart but she does not always listen. She loves her Daddy though. I forget sometimes and then she will do something small to remind me. she watched videos with me last weekend and we watched one of my videos. She didn't want to see it at first then after I told her that it was ok if she didn't watch my movie she suddenly wanted to see it. I think she realized she was being selfish. I guess you would have to have been there to understand.

I also have started a blog for my daughter http://jasmines-links.blogspot.com/ The shorter younger one in the picture is Jasmine my daughhter. The other one is her cousin Kayla. I am making a video blog so it will have pictures and video. Jasmine will like that. I may end up having to pay some money to get the space for it on a server. Jasmine will have to understand that $30 bucks is a month is as high as im willing to go... Maybe $50. The spoiled little brat will probably get what she wants (lol).

On a much more serious note, I have a court date on the 22 of this month. My daughter has been missing to much school. I blame her mother who is the primary care giver. I may be able to get custody of my daughter I will find out what is going on at least. Things would be much diffrent if I was not disabled.

STILL HERE

I am still here. I havn't updated my blog because it has gotten harder. I had plans to make this blog into somthing but typing has gotten more difficult. I am kind of angry about it but there isn't much I can do to change the situation. I used to type pretty good too. ..... Oh well! I may have to try to make a radio type post thing. Lol I am having trouble remembering words. My own radio station. I probably need a lot to get it started. There has got to be a steep learning curve on that one. For all of the MS'ers and friends I will post links to web sites that may be interesting to you.

http://bostoncure.org

http://msworld.org

http://www.mult-sclerosis.org/famous.html

I just felt like I needed to post something.


BYE


crazilynsane

Therapy

This I just started phyysical therapy. I hope it helps. Idoubt it. I can't type very well. I can't play the piano or do half of the things I used to. I'm having touble now so I will have to stop. I will have to update my record of my MS latter.

11 years old!

My daughter Jasmine just turned 11 yeasterday and she started the 6th grade. She said she is going to be a cheerlesder.

This had me thinking.

It's official. I'm getting old.

I am also worried becouse this is a big change for her. She is now in middle school. She will be using a locker and she will have diferent teachers for her classes. Every thing will change even her school bus. I am worry about the things middle school girls can get into. I worry especialy about Boys.

I know what little boys are thinking about . I used to be one.

I think I have a little time before I really have to worry about the whole sex isue, but then again you never know. I know I was thinking about girls when I was around 12 or 13. It might have been sooner. It was defenantly in middle school.

I have decided that I wil try to give Jasmine the space to make her own decicions. I am trying to deal with the fact that she has to make her own mistakes. All I can do is wathch her carefully and hope that I have given her a good morals and equiped her with enouph informationto know what to do.

Saying it is pne thing but doing it is another. I have a lot of dreams for her. Some of them where my dreams. I wanted to be a musician. I wanted to be a musician. I was a very good piano player. I even studied music theory in school. Now that I can no longer play I am happy to see that Jasmine has an interest in music. She told me she wants a guitar. I was going to rush out and buy her one , but I am not sure if I should. I want to make sure she plays her clarinet first. I will probably get one sooner or latter.

I can see now that it is going to bae hard to not push her too hard. My musical ambitions fell apart after I got MS. Her dreams need to be her dreams.

crazilynsane

Beautiful Song

Today I bought a song I heard a song on the radio a few weeks ago. We belong together by Maria Carey. It really had an affect on me. I could identify with the lyrics in the song. The song made references to another song by Babyface which was released in 1989.

It took me back to the days when I was just beginning to get involved in romantic relationships and I thought about all the relationships I have been in and all of the mistakes I have made.

I thought about the girl I lost my virginity with. She was also a virgin. She lied and said she wasn't. I am not sure if she realized that I was about to find out for sure that she was.
That relationship ended badly but I wish I new where she was. I would like to apologize for a few things. I would like to know how she is doing. In a way I sill love her.

I also thought of my daughters mother. I left her and then I became jealous when she started to date again. I did a 5 year prison sentence over her. Latter after I got out she wanted to get back together. I am not sure where I got the strength to say no. I knew it was the right thing to do. It wasn't too much latter that she proved it.

I think about my last girlfriend. She was diagnosed manic depressive and she is also a drug addict. I still loved her.

I have loved all my girl friends.

I know some people who read this might wonder what this has to do with MS. It is involved because right now I do not know what kind of future I have with women. My disability has affected my vision , balance, and my strength. I have lost the confidence to talk to women. I don't have much to offer a woman.

I hope by sharing this can let some one else with MS know they are not alone. If nothing else I have gotten some of my frustration out.

Bye



crazilynsane

Bored!

This is my life now, I guess. I have become a smoker again. There isn't much else to do. I am worrying to much about how my life has changed and not enough about what I can still do. The whole situation with the Ladies is terrible. Not terrible. Nonexistent. I have a lot of other stuff that is probably more important and that I should be worried about., but that is one of my major problems. There is a girl I have wanted to talk to. I don't have the courage. I have been interested in her for awhile. I was even flirting with her one day. I think it was flirting. I am so messed up I don't even know. She said something to me that kind of shocked me. I didn't even really respond to it. I had a lot of what some would call success with the ladies in the past before MS. That had more to do with the car I drove,the clothes I wore and the money I had. If you have all that you don't really have to try to hard. Now that I think about it this could explain the why I ended up with the type of girls I always seemed to end up with. Now that this is all gone all I have are my personality and my good looks (which are pretty good if I do say so myself.....lol) I have decided to say what is really on my mind and let the chips fall where they may. There really are a lot of fish in the sea. I can't get anywhere waiting for something to magically happen.



CRAZILYNSANE

I'm back!

I guess you guys didn't know what to do with out me. I am living at the center, and I just haven't made the time for my blog. I'm on the computer all day every day mon through fri but I am doing school work. My personal computer is online at last. I can use my personal time to update my blog. I will post some pictures. I need to add some links or do something to increase the visitors here. That is one reason I haven't really been worried about updating my blog. No one reads it but me. That is good and bad. Good because I have included some of the personal details of my life. Bad because I would like this to be something more meaningful than just a personal diary. If you have any Ideas let me know. I have some Ideas:

• A part of a larger web ring dealing with disabilities. (contact info plus news)
• a photo blog
• advertising on the blog (this is just to give me incentive to up date more often

Well I'm going to get off the computer now, but remember I am open to suggestions as to how to make this site better. Bye,

Jay

Welcome!

This is my blog or weblog if you prefer. I haven't updated this site in awhile. I just relized I have to go. Before I do let me apologize for the spelling mistakes. It may be hard for some of you to understand. Also about the pictures....... They are coming I swear. I am not at home right now so getting them is proving to be difficult. Until next time CRAZILYNSANE

Or James or Jay...............

Another Day 0 Dollars

I am broke as usual. I guess I just wasn't meant to have money. I must have bad karma or something. I did have a wild weekend but now that I'm back at the rehabilitation center it is back to the grind. I do have a little of the fun I was having back at the house but I wouldn't bring it back to the center with me. (If you don't understand it is because you were not meant to) I could really mess up a good thing.

I made up with Carrie sort of. I think we have an unspoken agreement not to talk about what ever we were arguing about. II still do not know.

I have decided to start another blog. hopefully this one will get response from some one out in cyberspace. I am going to start a blog will be a collection of writings from deferent people that will make up a story. It might even get published If enough people show interest. I will include a link in this bloc if anyone is interested

I just realized I need to go. The NBA finals is coming on. I have to runcya

A good day?

Iam having an ok day. My friend might hook me up with some trees. It has been awhile.... The funny thing about that I may try to get a legal permit to smoke it. Most people don't realize it It's legal with a prescription in virginia. It has been that way for years. It Is still hard to get a prescription. Most Dr's won't write one I think it is frowned upon.
Another interesting thing happened. On Monday Carrie who I guess I thought was a friend of mine snatched a card with my grandmother who just had a stroke's number on it. I needed to call the hospital where she was at. She was mad becouse it was her card wich someone had mistakenly written a number on and gave me. It wasn't a big thing I would give her the card back after I got the number written some where elsebut she snached the card from my hand. I hhad to protest and let her know I was not happy until she finaly gave me the number. I thought things were settled , we even had dinner and talked that same day. The only thing that I can think happened was she talked to someone who overheard the argument. She must be conserned about what other people think. If that is the case then I'm better off with out her. This isn't even the first time. O well. that is life. I have more important things to worry about. My shot for one. It is that time agian so I guess IPt is time for me to go. Bye CRAZILNSANE aka James Childs

6:20 P.M

Just Bored I guess. I just remembered I have to take my copaxone shot at 7 o' clock. I have a card game I need to get to. Carrie and John have a butt whopin comin'. They just can't get enouph punishment. I kind soul that I am, feel obligated to oblije. It Is hard bieng so generous all the time.

Carrie and John are two freinds of mine from WWRC. Carrie had serious brian injury and johnis a qudroplegic. I have to remember not to bring up my problems around them somtimes. What may be a serious problem to me may be a trivial problem to them. Especialy John.

John and I are suposed to escape from here tomorrow. We are going to see Star Wars. Sounds good to me! We were supposed to stay at my mothers vacation house but my ride fell through. Maybe another time.

I'm going now but I will probably be updating my blog more often no that I'm at WWRC. C-Ya CRAZILYNSANE

Still worrying

I'm at Woodrow Wilson again but now I have a new set of worries. I guess that's my purpose in life, to worry. It just wouldn't be right. I guess I'm just the worrying kind.

My new worries are about the drafting program I'm in. So far so good,but I am still just in the evaluation stage. I have one month of evaluation and then I'm in. Some of my classmates have told me I will probably get in. The instuctor has even given me some of the assignments that only the people that are in the program get. I know I will probably get in but I will believe it when I see it, moor's law an all. I think it was his law. If something bad can happen it will. It's sort of like my favorite saying ,"shit happens ." I'm living proof of that.

I'm about to log off now. I was just updating this blog because It was past time too. before I go I would like to encourage any one of my numerous readers too please post a comment. I am hoping to do something with this blog. like maybe make it part of a web ring with similar web pages. One I like is http://msworld.org

I'm gone!

I have my admitions date for Woodrow Wilson Rehabilitation Center. I go on May 9. I am excited but now I have a new set of worries. After I got my first social security check I made a few purchaces. I got a few items for my home studio. It is bare bones but I think I finaly have enough to get some of my ideas recorded. I can't take my stuff with me and I will be gone for a year and a half. It is always somthing. It wouldn't be right If I wasn't tripin about somthing.

I have been planing on how to make my blog better. I think I will invite other people with MS to help. I think the best way would be to make my blog part of a web ring. We could each tackle a difrent part of the MS problems and concerns. The current format is a little borring. I still need to learn to post my pictures.

I plan on getting a litle help from someone. I might have to buy one of those cd-roms on blogging. If you can help me out or are interested in linking to my blog please leave a coment.

I just had a brain storm. we could make this web ring about more than one disability or disease. We could even raise money by using advertising. Lots of people with disabilities need all kinds of things. I for instance need a scooter or a chair for long distances.

Please leave a comment. got to go now. BYE

Woodrow or Bust!

I am trying to get into this program at Woodrow Wilson Rehabilitation Center. I was accepted two months ago but i still haven't heard anything about any dates. I want to go prettty bad. When I was at the center was the most productive thing I have done in a couple years. I have gotten social security so I am not in as much financial trouble as I was. I have spent a lot of it already.

I spent a little of it on an audio/midi interface for my broken keyboard. I am trying to set up a home studio so I can record a few of my musical ideas. I also got a nice condensor mic but I don't think I will be singing. I don't have the vocal control I once had. All I need to do now is learn how to use this stuff. I play the piano I'm not a computer geek.

I don't mean to sound like I don't like computer people. I envy them. I am still trying to figure out this computer thing. There is a lot of stuff I would like to do with this blog. I still don't know how. Now that I have a little money I think I'll get that how to blog cd rom. Get ready for big changes.............I hope.

Bye,


crazilynsane

Social security and more good news

I just started getting Social security. I'm also getting glasses to help with my vision and I was accepted to Woodrow Wilson rehabilitation center. I got a visit from my friend Carrie. She came from an hour away. I should be happy but I'm not. I think my condition might be getting worse.

I am not getting around that well. I hope this doesn't mean anything but lately I haven't been winning at chess. I don't think I could buy a game. I don't feel like doing any thing. That is the reason I haven't added to my blog in awhile.

I guess I need to mention my accident today. This is about my multiple sclerosis after all. Incontinence sucks! I had a long walk to the bathroom after I got out of the car with Carrie and her friend. I had just gone to the bathroom in the restaurant but we took our time getting back to my house. We took about 20 min, and I had just used the bathroom before I left. I am having trouble dealing with this one.

I am going to get off the computer now. Hopefully I will be in a better mood the next time I write an entry. I still have to think of a better way to set up my blog.